“Why Harvard?” – June 2020 Satire

Harvard - Satire/Satirical Piece

A College Supplement: “Why Harvard [Or Insert Your Prestigious Institution of Choice Here]?”

The summer before sophomore year, I travelled abroad to some obscure country in South Asia. There, I met a young boy whose life story truly inspired me. 

Okay, forget this. I have limited words available, so I’ll cut right to it.

First, a little bit about me. My SAT score is a perfect 1600. I’ve taken every AP and Honors class available, in which I earned straight As and developed a dangerous caffeine addiction (but didn’t learn anything, don’t worry). I manage my time and use Google Calendar religiously. I am diligent and attentive–and if you don’t believe me, you can refer to the eleven letters of recommendation attached.

When I’m bored, I construct scale models of skyscrapers using toothpicks. I read Tolstoy in its original Russian. I can cook a mean risotto using only the leftovers from Trader Joe’s frozen meals and an Easy Bake Oven. After school, I spend my time teaching old people what the buttons mean on their TV remotes. I am an expert at mancala, a renowned writer of epic poetry, and a skilled tobogganist. 

I have stormed Area 51 and sailed the South China Sea. I serve as a sketch artist for the local police department. Last year I was recruited by the FBI to go undercover for a month, and helped take down an entire ecoterrorism operation. I sleep once every eight days, and when I do, it’s while sitting perfectly upright in a swivel chair. 

All these things should tell you that I am an accomplished, passionate, and intellectually diverse student who is the perfect fit for your prestigious institution. But in case you aren’t yet convinced, I have also provided you with some crucial ways in which I hope to utilize my education.

  1. At Harvard, I would learn to be a compelling writer and speaker, and to articulate my arguments with the utmost dexterity and diligence. But if this fails, I will be able to play the most heavy-handed card of all: my diploma. Slamming this down on the table essentially means, “I went to Harvard, so of course I am right. You are wrong. End of all discussion.” (And oh, your alma mater has an acceptance rate above 10 percent? Don’t even talk to me, you cretin.)
  2. When it’s not employed in its above use, I also plan to hang my diploma above my bed, so it might protect me from any obstacles I might encounter in my adult life. It is said that graduating from such a prestigious school will provide an individual with immunity from the law and will ward off even the slightest threat of criminal charges.
  3. Meanwhile, I will be able to assert myself in a more prominent position in politics. Harvard is located in the great state of Massachusetts, which has 11 electoral votes and a population of 6.902 million–compared to New York, which has 29 electoral votes but a whopping population of 19.54 million. By attending school in Cambridge, my voice would account for 0.00000159 of an electoral vote, whereas hidden somewhere in the swamps of New York, it would account for a mere 0.00000148.
  4. I took a “Which Ivy League Should You Attend” quiz on BuzzFeed, and guess what my result was? Coincidence? I think not.
  5. Crimson is my favorite color. 

And in case you aren’t yet convinced that I should be admitted, I end this spiel with a pledge of true devotion. Harvard, I will give up everything for you. I will study whatever you want; I have a passion for English literature, but if you need more chemistry majors, I will slap on my lab goggles and get right to it. I will tell other schools to suck it. I would burn them all to the ground, as long as when the dust settles, I am standing in the middle of Harvard Yard during the fall. 

I now press send on this application, and my fate lies in your hands. If you accept me, I will be your most loyal constituent. I will fight for you until my last breath. But if you don’t, I will sit here for eternity, while my life slips away before my eyes.

Sincerely, Deranged