Good morning! It is November 22nd, which means that the 2020 election is (still) officially over.
For most people, at least. Donald Trump seems to be suffering from what his doctors have identified as “delusion,” as he and his administration have been on a mission to overturn the results in favor of a Republican victory.
“The election was rigged!” shouted Rudy Giuliani, Trump’s personal attorney, at a recent press conference. “A dead man in Michigan voted 5,000 times! And we will have proof of that soon. In the next few weeks, or maybe months. Possibly years.”
He announced that Trump’s lawyers will be looking into all claims of voter fraud, including the latest reports that women were casting ballots in the election. “It’s outrageous. They’re leaving the kitchens and voting by the millions!” He fumed. “It’s a complete scandal.”
Throughout the conference, Giuliani was caught on camera with sweat and what appears to be hair dye running down his face, although others speculate he was simply melting in the sunlight.
Meanwhile, Trump has been equally brazen about his criticisms regarding the election. “The Democrats seem to be employing a method called counting,” he said. “It’s something I never understood myself. But it’s clearly something illegal, probably some kind of voodoo magic. Like witchcraft.” Upon further consideration, he concluded, “Must be the women again.”
However, the numerous lawsuits his campaign has placed in front of various state and federal courts have come up empty, with each decision concluding that no fraud was evident in determining the outcome of the election.
“This is outrageous. I think I’m more qualified to be the judge of what’s fraud and what’s not,” Trump responded angrily. “I have more experience in fraud than all those judges put together. Fraud is practically my middle name!”
In another attempt to turn the election, the administration has put forward a request that the Supreme Court rule that Washington is not a state.
“We’ve already got one Washington. I’m standing in it right now, overlooking the Potomac. How can there be another one?” The president’s son, Eric Trump, argued. “It must be an imposter, only claiming to be a state. Now that sounds like fraud to me.” He seemed skeptical when informed that Washington was indeed proclaimed a state in 1889, and immediately asked for witnesses who had seen this take place. When told that they were all dead, he commented, “Sounds convenient.”
Even while most of the country seems to be moving on, and despite their numerous legal defeats, the Trump administration still shows no signs of emerging from their haze of insanity and denial. “No, we’re not going to concede,” said White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany. “We’re going to continue fighting the results, and we will argue our case all the way up to the illegitimate Supreme Court. Wait, did I say illegitimate? No, I said ultra-intelligent! Yes, I did!”
In the meantime, Trump, sensing danger, has initiated Operation Straight to the Bunker (OSB), which has been prepared for his prolonged stay through the addition of several steak restaurants and an entire underground golf course. He has also resolved to build another wall — this time, around the White House itself. He announced that he is “not leaving,” and has allegedly commented that the Secret Service “will have to drag him from the White House kicking and screaming.”
“Well, I wasn’t initially planning to come down to DC for the inauguration,” said Lawrence Payne, 29, a Democrat from New York. “But when I heard that remark, I figured I just had to see it for myself.”
Once Trump finally does emerge from his self-proclaimed fortress, Obama says that he would be willing to meet with him in order to read aloud his new book, A Promised Land. When asked why he would sacrifice his time to do such a thing, Obama responded, “Well, I think education is very important, you see. My book covers many important topics, such as race, law, and democracy in America — all things I think Trump should learn about. I thought of just sending him a copy, but who would be there to explain all the words he doesn’t know?”